Embracing This Season

I resigned from work back in November and my last day of work was technically February 4.  I am still needed to finish up a large project at work, so I am working as a contractor one day a work for now, and on an as-needed basis in the future.  I no longer have health benefits with the company, but my hourly rate has increased.

This has become a transition period for me from working 20 hours a week to becoming a full-time mom.   Life has slowed down for me in a good way.  I am such a busy-body and a task-oriented person.  I am always picking up, tidying up and finding things to do around the house all day long (though I feel like my efforts are futile because the house is still a mess!).  I love when my calendar is full.  I thrive on crossing things off my To Do lists.  But lately, I have been more relaxed and have spent more focused time with the girls. 

I am challenging myself with keeping a long-term focus on raising our two girls.  I don’t want to get caught up in just meeting their daily physical needs.  For me that is so easy to do --  my whole day can be filled with doing laundry, cooking and cleaning.  But, I want to seize learning opportunities and model a life of godly character, especially now that Karis is getting older and can understand and perceive so much.  I have to admit that I fail miserably at times in trying to accomplish these things.  When I get into a “busy” mode, I turn to the TV to babysit for me.  In the late afternoon or evenings, I sometimes feel a blanket of tiredness come over me.  I can be so short with Karis and grace is nowhere to be found.  I ask for forgiveness from Karis and God, and hope that in my weakness there is still something positive for Karis to learn.   

Serving and being involved at church has always been a part of my life.  Since Karis was born, I have not been able to do much, if anything at all.  I miss it.  I understand that in this season of my life, my kids are my ministry, but I have been struggling the past few months with wanting to do more outside the home.  It wasn’t until last week when I heard a mom of teenagers talk about when her children were very young.  She was so involved in ministry that she felt like the church nursery was raising her kids.  She pulled back and spent more time at home and now she is reaping  the benefits.   She has a close relationship with them and they “rise up and call her blessed.”  (Proverbs 31:28)  It wasn’t until I heard that, that I was really able to release my desires to do more.   I’ve been finding my own ways to serve the church body.  It’s not showing up at church to do set-up or going to planning meetings, but rather watching people’s kids or baking something sweet for someone to enjoy.  It’s my way of ministering to others.  Serving has taken on a different look for me, but it is what fits in my season of life… and I accept that. 

I’m excited for this new chapter.  I know there’s a lot more for me to learn and experience.  My kids are growing up fast and I’m enjoying all the ups and downs of motherhood.  It’s been a great ride!

Here are some random, "real" pics of the girls in action.  The first one was taken a few months ago when Makena realized she was just tall enough to grab food off Karis' tray.  She is always looking for food!

Karis hates when Makena puts a toy in her mouth and makes it "yucky."

When we hear Daddy come home, I try to take one of the girls out to greet him.  On one of the days when Makena went out, she got to check out Dad's bike.  I think she thought she was really going to go for a ride ...  check out her toes!

Is it just coincidence?

Is it just a coincidence that whenever I finally get to posting on our blog, my wonderful wife blogs the very next day? I don't know... but let's see if she posts tomorrow. Maybe she's just trying to catch the wave of my one follower. =P

That isn't the real reason for today's blog. I wanted to stop and reflect for a moment. Awhile back, I wrote about the first week of Life's Healing Choices. Well, it's still very powerful. You can listen to the weekend messages HERE and choosing the "Life's Healing Choices - The Beatitudes." And consider picking up the book by John Baker upon which it's based to complement the sermons. If you're not ready to examine what's not going right in your life, then don't bother. But if you are ready, wow!

I am still not 100% clear about my hurts, habits, and hangups, but things sure have become much clearer. I've been doing pretty well in life emotionally despite experiencing quite a bit (a lot at a young age, too). But I have definitely incorporated some coping tactics to avoid pain.

A little about me... I'm a catastrophizer. I have a great imagination and see much potential for awful things to happen. For example, watching my daughter taking a few steps and being concerned that she stumble into the exact corner of the chest and damage her eye. Or, one of Lena's favorites, seeing a Tupperware container without a secure seal. Heaven forbid that some air might enter in and cause something to spoil. I'm certain that much of this characteristic stems from losing my father in a car accident a block from our home two days before Christmas when I was six years old. I know the terrible feeling of devastation from a very young age. I guess you could say that feeling has stayed fresh with me all these years. I try to control many things in my life and those around me so that it appears I am preventing pain.

I also have a great desire to see justice done. Just ride with me on a California freeway some day. My blood boils quickly for drivers performing illegal or even just stupid maneuvers on the freeways. How quickly I can gloss over my own driving indiscretions! I think this stems from my youth also. How unfair it is for a child to lose a parent at such a young age. I'm pretty sure that is somehow at the root of my anger at things being done that I perceive as unfair (particularly when they are directly pointed at me).

I don't have solutions yet... but I'm glad that God has been revealing to me areas where I have hurts, habits, and hang ups that are not healthy. I'll keep you posted on my journey towards health. It may be awhile as it's taken me nearly 40 years to acquire them all. I cannot expect to fix them overnight.

On less serious notes, I'm excited for my day with Karis today. We're going to hang out at an animal shelter today. But only looking at the dogs. =) She loves animals.

And, Lena and I are moving to Irvine October 31. I'll send an email with our new address and phone privately through email. If you want to help load or unload, mark your calendar now. And since this is one paragraph after so many up above, I'll likely post again all by itself.

Karis is waking... gotta go!

Treasured

I joined an on-campus women's Bible study at church. These studies are where 100+ women come together to study a book/topic. Each person is assigned to a table with 6-8 other women, including a table leader, for the length of the study. We have a corporate time of worship, we listen to teaching , and then we discuss and share with our small group.

A few weeks ago, my friend asked me to join her table for this study specifically for moms of preschoolers. I had to give it some thought because I wanted to make sure I wasn't joining just for the heck of it. I wanted to be certain that 1) this study would be something that I could benefit from at this time in my life and 2) I was going to be fully committed, completing the homework, and attending every week. Participating in this study would also be a sacrifice since Karis would miss her morning nap (as would I) and then I'd have to deal with whatever that would result in for the rest of the day...

Today was the first day and I'm happy to say that I'm glad I joined. I'm in a great group of women with whom I'm looking forward to getting to know better.

During the time of worship, I looked around and saw so many mothers. And for the first time, I realized, "Wow, God really loves mothers." He delights in us. He created each of us for this role and He knows the importance, the value and the difficulties of being a mom. I was so overwhelmed by this realization and felt so loved in that moment.

My husband appreciates me and often verbalizes his gratitude for the things I do for our family. He even helps Karis to say thank you every once in awhile! It feels good to hear those things. It's also fun to banter back and forth with my mommy friends about motherhood and what our little ones are doing. But I have to say that nothing compares to the feeling of being completely loved and understood as a mother from our Heavenly Father. He knows the constant stream of thoughts that run through my head every day about my child. He knows my heart for my family. He knows my desires and intentions. He knows the tiredness of my mind and body. He knows how much it takes sometimes to do the simplest task. He knows each time I put my self aside. He knows. And He understands. And He loves us completely.

I have never felt as important and valued as I did today in my role as a mother. I hope I never forget that.

some random stuff from Derek

Food
I am on a kick for a few certain foods lately.

• Asian pears... cannot get enough of them. I remember selling them at the Jewel grocery store back in 1987. I thought they were so foreign. They were expensive. And they had their own special protective sleeve. If I had only given them a taste back then....
• Trader Joe's Milk Chocolate Mini Pretzels are hard to resist. I love the touch of salt flavor. Typically, not a fan of salt. Tried to cut it out of diet. But with these chocolate covered pretzels, yummy!
• Double chocolate Milano cookies dipped in coffee. They're great solo... but dipping them in coffee takes it to the next level.

Thoughts on Karis
I had a revelation last Friday. I've been watching Karis on my non-working weekday for quite some time so I'm surprised that I haven't realized this sooner. I find myself getting a bit frustrated with her exploratory nature. Yes, I have to appreciate the fact that kids do that. It's part of their learning process. But if she's getting into things she shouldn't, I realized that I could be sitting on the floor with her interacting with a toy, book, etc.

Granted, I do that. But I can do a lot more of it. I can remove any intentions or thoughts I have of my agenda for the day trying to squeeze this or that in. I need to focus just on Karis. So, this Friday I'm hoping for far less frustration and far more productivity with her.

Life
Our church is doing a 8-week series on the Beatitudes (Matthew 5). It is subtitled "Life's Healing Choices" and compliments the book of the same name by Pastor John Baker. It basically explains how we all have hurts, habits, and hang ups and how we can learn to free ourselves of them from what is taught in the Beatitudes. I like the content so far, but what really makes the difference is doing a study WITH OTHERS.

We cannot simply listen to weekend messages and expect our lives to change. We cannot simply read books and expect our lives to change. We have to play an active part. We need to get out of isolation. We need to be strong and courageous and "expose" ourselves in the safety of other trusted individuals. If you don't have other trusted individuals in your life, then it's likely your hurts, habits, or hang ups are preventing you. Take a risk. If you truly want to change, it will require a risk on your part. I strongly encourage you to seek people with whom you can be authentic and vulnerable. When we are weak, He is strong!

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

Life is not meant to be lived in isolation and fear. Get the book, get the study guide, gather some friends, and start the healing process. I am so thankful that I've taken risks to be vulnerable and shared my weaknesses. Ah, the freedom.

Lessons From The Toilet

The other day our toilet handle lever inside the tank broke in the guest bathroom. Derek spoke with our landlord and found out that it would cost our landlord $200 to get a plumber out to our place. That sounded ridiculous, so Derek graciously offered to fix the toilet himself.

He went to Lowe's with the baby and bought the necessary components. He came home and fixed it in no time! Later that day I went to use the bathroom.

"What a funny looking handle." I said to Derek who was in the family room. It definitely wasn't the handle that I would have picked out. It was a bit bulky and had an odd shape.

"What?" he replied.

Hmm, he must not have heard me, I thought. "What a funny looking handle" I repeated.

"What?" he said again.

I paused, laughed and then said, "Thanks, babe for fixing the toilet."

"You're welcome."

I smiled and then continued to take care of my business in the bathroom. I definitely need to remember to show my appreciation and/or start out with the positive before jumping into criticism. Thankfully, I have a funny, light-hearted husband who is willing to gently remind me of this.

Another Rough Week

As if having my car die on me last week on the freeway wasn't bad enough! =)

On Sunday morning, I was in a rush to get to church. I hit the back of my head against the car when I was getting into the back seat to put the baby’s car seat in. I guess I didn’t duck low enough. The blow hurt pretty badly, but I shook it off and felt fine the rest of the day.

Derek remembers me telling him in passing that I had a headache on Monday evening. It must not have been that bad because I don’t remember telling him that. I woke up Tuesday morning at 7 am with a headache right behind my eyes. I took a Tylenol capsule (I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and I hate taking medications. The fact that I even popped one pill is an indication that I was experiencing a significant amount of pain). The pain progressively got worse as the day went on. The back of my head began to throb and then my whole head was in pain. It hurt to move my eyes and turn my head. Even walking increased the pain each time my foot hit the ground. I took a couple more Tylenol pills and a short nap but nothing changed.

By around 3 pm, Derek convinced me to call the doctor’s office. It was too late in the day to visit the office so they recommended that I go to the ER. As I waited in the waiting room, the tears began to flow. They were not only from the pain I was in, but from the fear of the unknown. I had never felt so much pain in my head and my mind wandered to the worst case scenarios.

Once I made it past the triage, they gave me a shot to relieve the pain. At that point, I ranked my pain an 8 or 9 on a 10-point scale (for me, a “10” would be a hot knife jabbed in my brain). The painkiller only reduced the pain to about a “7” and it made me so nauseous – not something I needed with all the pain.

They ran a CT scan and everything looked fine. They concluded it was a concussion. There was nothing more they could do so they discharged me. Again, tears started rolling down. I almost wanted something to be wrong so that I didn't have to go home in so much pain, especially not knowing how long it would last.

Getting up from the bed was excruciating. Sitting up in the wheelchair was painful. When I got to the lobby, I got really cold and my teeth started chattering. By the time I got into the car, I was in bad shape. Derek went back into the hospital and told them what was going on. I was re-admitted.

I had the chills and a low grade fever which are not symptoms of a concussion. They wanted to rule out everything deadly, so they ran some blood tests and did a lumbar puncture (similar to an epidural but instead of injecting, they extracted fluid to test for a brain hemorrhage and meningitis).

The lumbar puncture did not go very smoothly. The physician’s assistant couldn’t get the right spot so he had to poke me three times along with giving me three shots of local anesthesia. Then he called for the doctor. I kept praying that God would give this man wisdom as I continued to wiggle my toes to make sure I wasn’t getting paralyzed through this. The doctor came in and reinserted the needle for the fourth time which sent a shock wave down my left leg. So scary! But it worked and they were able to get the four viles of fluid they needed.

The results were good and they figured that the chills and fever were probably due to a viral infection. They discharged me again. I still wasn’t feeling well but by this time it was almost midnight and I was ready to go home. It took awhile for me to be able to put my clothes back on and get in the wheelchair. The journey from that bed to my bed was long and painful. My head was throbbing and I was extremely nauseous (and vomiting). We made it home and I was finally in bed at 12:30 am.

The pain was much better the next day. I was still hurting, but it was nothing like what I experienced the day I went to the ER. It took about two full days before I could be up and about. Lots of pain medication and TLC from my husband surely helped!

I have to say, God’s timing is perfect. Derek’s mom’s visit couldn’t have been timelier. She arrived on Tuesday and ten minutes after she walked in our front door, we were off to the emergency room. She has been taking care of Karis ever since. It has been such a huge help to have her with us, and I don’t know what we would have done without her.

Our friends from our small group came to the hospital to bring us dinner that night. They dropped it off just as I was being discharged the first time. When I was shaking in the car, Derek called them to see if they would come back to stay with me while he went back into the hospital. They came back immediately. They, along with many others, have been praying for me. I am so thankful!

I’m glad to have this all behind me and to be on the mends. Even as I type this, my bottles of Advil and Tylenol are close by and I can still feel a slight pain in my head. But, I know the worst is behind me and I’m thankful it was nothing more than a concussion and a viral infection.

Mornings

A few things I noticed about mornings this morning:

• Speed limits are apparently not in effect before 6 AM.
• Before the sun rises, it's dark. No, like really dark. I'm guessing because there is no moonlight so early in the AM.
• I am reminded of the "freshness" of the day. The beauty is that this happens each and every morning whether or not I am up and about to experience it.
• For me, there is something special about being up extra early for no "special" reason. I am not headed to the airport. I am not trying to get a parking spot for a 1/2 marathon or Mud Run. I am going to work for a weekly prayer meeting. This morning I was early than usual as I dropped Lena off at work for an early client meeting. Normally, I would not arrive so early.
• Parents - is this preparation for when our child arrives?